Love Alone Cannot Sustain A Relationship

I’m listening to Louise Carver’s “I didn’t mean to call” and I’m thinking to my lonesome self… how did I let it get this far? The image in my head conjures an unsettling thought I always have when I play Celine Dion’s “Beautiful Boy" One line in the lyrics goes “… life is what happens while you busy making other plans”.

People always say that love is about compromise, putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own. Whoever said that clearly had a dull life because once you start making compromises in love you tend to obliviously lose yourself in the process. Your life will pass by while you busy living his/hers.

This past holidays I waited for the whole of November and early Dec in vain for some confirmation that I would be spending xmas with my boyfriend. On the Dec 18th with no word from him I {note that I} finally made the call to him and was told

“Sorry, Phil I will be working so I won’t make it home”.

Ok, livid as I was about having to be the one calling to find this out, I kept my cool and said I understand when all I wanted to say was

“F*** u, u ill-mannered ungrateful motha-***. I ditched my family for this”.

Needless to say, I spent the holidays alone wallowing in my misery. Upon my seemingly perpetual melancholy, I started reflecting on my relationship and I learnt:

1. I have never complained about what he is doing when it’s work related. Bills have to be paid plus I didnt wana be one of those clingy boyfriends

2. I tend to filter my emotions a lot where he is concerned. Hell, I have become a "yes Sir" guy 

3. Of late I went from being “baby” to “Phil” yes it’s my name but “baby” was more nicer especially after sex (ya’ll r ova 18, right? lol).

The biggest problem though is that I don’t know who I am anymore. I was the kinda guy who didn’t check my phone every minute to see if my lover has called or sent a message. I was the kinda guy who… when I felt ignored I walked away, when I wasn’t feeling the fire I walked away, when I wasn’t worshiped (you know what I mean) I walked away…

Now I’m this wuss who spends hours feeling miserable because of someone who clearly doesn’t give a damn about me. I’m constantly updating my status on facebook so the moron can see that I’m hurting (silly little girly tactics to get someone’s attention, brothas don’t do that).

I’m lonely… yes I, of all people, am lonely. Of course my buddies say I just need a shag, like that ever solved anything. I let myself fall in love with someone who doesn’t love me the same way. I am not living my life anymore because of this person.

All I think about is whether we have a future. I can bed as many bed-hoppers as I can but when I turn around in the morning and look at the person next to me, I’m saddened that it’s not T. So this is what love does to you? It destroys your self-worth.

FINAL NAIL ON THE COFFIN:


Few hours ago I made the call and after some back-and-forth squabbling, the voice on the other end of the line said ‘You need to understand that I have other things that are important in my life than just you’

I felt like I had just been stabbed in my heart. That was it, it was over. After much introspection I thought to myself, ‘I’m happy that I, too, could love someone like that. That’s an experience I probably will never have again. Thanks for the memories… oh yah Fcuk L.O.V.E’.

One more lesson learnt… LOVE alone can’t sustain a relationship... respect, appreciation, acknowledgement, understanding and that dreadful word COMPROMISE are its foundation.