Different Types Of Gay Men In South Africa

I was in Melville over the weekend with a group friends and mutual acquaintances. We ended up going to a place in 7th street called Liquid Blue. It’s a nice little drinking spot with a kaleidoscope of clientele. It’s a kinda place where gay boys, straight guys, fag hags, skinny Khanyi Mbau wannabes, confused “gay curious” boys and their girlfriends hangout. I’m not much of a dancer so most of the evening I was sitting with my Peroni just watching all the characters playing out their roles in this stage.

While watching these people I couldn't help but notice just how different they were and just how impossible it would be for a straight guy to actually decipher this "who's gay and who's not" thing,  in a place like that. 

Then... I remembered an email from a friend of mine, who is now living in the states, about the different labels gay men in the states and just how confusing it is to tell who is doing what with whom..

The notion that you can tell that someone is gay by just looking at them, listening to what they say or by knowing what type of music they listen to and shows they like, is just ridiculous -- universally. The whole gaydar concept is just a myth. 

A straight person, in trying to understand gay men, will always be at a disadvantage because this breed of our human family is as complex and diverse as life itself.

So, to understand them you need to know about some of the types of gay men out there. 

In jest I figured I'd put together a description of few gay types (for a lack of a better word) I've come across in Mzansi...

The Kitten

This type of a gay man is typically very young (if he is not, he is still thinks he is 21) and feminine in a way, most likely in his first year (at UJ better known in the circles as U-Gay). 

• Though young and generally naïve he is the life of the party. 
• He moves around with a swish that would put Naomi Campbell to shame while suffocating himself in a tight JAY JAY skinny jean and a Mr Price Girls top he got at Campus Square. 
• He lovvvvvvves attention. 
• His mission is to acquire as many enemies within the gay circles as he can because he thinks being hated means “he actually relevant”. 
• He hates Somizi Mhlongo but will want to be his friend. 

You will find him: At the mall

Activities: 

• starts fights with strangers, 
• wears shades at night in a club,
• hogs the camera whenever and wherever he sees one 
• compulsive name dropper 
• attends every party and fashion event there is even though he doesn’t own a single genuine designer item. 
• mall rat.

Role Model: Beyonce, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and/or Bonang

The “Str8 Acting” Smash

Typically good-looking but very insecure. He will never be friends with Kittens. In fact in the wild he would kill his mortal enemy, The Kitten, if he got the chance. 

This type lives on a slippery slope because his existence is mainly based on perception not facts. Contrary to what he thinks and tries so hard to project,  there is nothing straight about him and he gives away his gayness by trying too hard not “look or act” gay. 

• He believes talking about soccer and telling everybody who can listen that he has slept with girls makes him less “gay”. 
• He equates singing along to Beyonce with being “too much" yet he knows every single word to the lyrics of her songs. 
• Every time you see him in a predominantly gay place he will tell you he doesn’t come there very often yet he knows all the waiters and bouncers by name. 
• When you meet him he will claim to be versatile in bed but when you get home he is an A+ bottom... he will spread like a Sunday lunch chicken on roast. 

You will find him: At all celeb parties he can score an invite to

Activities:

• Lies, lies, 
• occasionally smokes weed... 
• did I mention he lies? 
• compensates for his low IQ with sleeping with all the A-list fags i.e you will see him at every celebrity party that had gay celebs. 
• Go to the social pages of magazines you will find his picture there because he desperately wants to be famous

Role Model: He would never admit to liking any SA celebs even though he probably has a pic of Sizwe Dlomo in his phone and idolises Somizi

The Muscle Mary

• He has a girlfriend and most likely has kids with random women. He is a thug wannabe who hangs around with hip-hop musos. 
• He is not very bright and is the first to hurl insults when a gay boy passes. He equates not watching certain shows on tv with intelligence and masculinity. 
• He secretly dates old white men or is actually living with one. 
• He doesn’t own much in his life, even the car he drives might not be his. 
• He wears the tightest muscle tops and jeans. 
• If you are a Kitten don’t bother lusting after him because in his world you don’t exist, you just a freak of nature. 

You will find him: At the gym

Activities:

• lifting weights, 
• making fun of other people (be they fat or ugly), 
• going to trendy clubs in Sandton, 
• cruising the net with the hope that some rich white man is gonna pay his bills. 
• he is not totally bottom but will bend over if it means getting what he wants.

Role Model: Doesn’t really have one so he will like whoever is currently popular and epitomizes the “macho-man” image

The Fag

Though this term is generally a derogatory term for all gay men it best describes this type. He is a total snob and most likely has a twang. 

• He is educated and will let you know if you were to spend more than 10min talking to him. He is the type that will throw parties and invite Muscle Mary and the Str8 Acting Smash, they will all wear designer clothes and pretend to like each other. 
• When he is among other gays he will roll his eyes, moan about everything and always wants to dominate conversations. 
• Though he may have many accomplishments in his life, he is very sad and lonely because his need to be superior always puts people off. 
• When he walks into a club everybody will hug him and roll their eyes when he turns away 

You will find him: In Sandton

Activities:

• he wanks a lot coz most guys cant stand sleeping with let alone being around him 
• typical has a small penis, 
• confuses arguments with debates 
• finds any excuse in a conversation to quote Oprah, 
• Bitch, can’t take a joke

Role Model: Oprah Winfrey (you would think he is her publicist)

The Township Smash

This type is very complex because they don’t really have stereotypical traits. The only problem with this type is that they all have a chip on their shoulder and they try too hard to compensate thus ending up as liars or whores. 

• If he still lives in the township he finds ways to defend his living there all the times even when no-one is asking. 
• If he lives in the suburbs he pretends he never really fitted in when he was in the township. He is usually a loyal friend perhaps out of sense of wanting to belong. 
• In a club you will find him with Kittens who think they are not kittens 
• When it comes to sex, he is never in a bind. 
• Everybody loves him because he is always available for a shag. 
• If you don’t call him for a week he will send you a “please call NoAirtime” everyday until you do. 
• He is sweet and understanding. 

You will find him: In town (or occasionally in Melville), Buffalo Bills, Jozi City, etc

Activities: Alcohol and sex

Role Model: Lira or Lebo Mathosa 

Mr Ordinary

He is the saddest of the bunch. He is the kind that will be wearing a wedding ring in one hand and holding a d**k on the other. He doesn't talk much and is generally very polite. 

Some of this kind will actually be honest to their gay lovers about their wives because for some reason that adds on to their charm.

You are unlikely to find him in any place that would have more than 5 kittens in the room. He borders between 2 extremes...:

Mr. Ordinary 1

• If he is a bedhopper, he is the ultimate slut i.e he will sleep with every boy he can find. 
• He is very dangerous both to his wife and his boy-toys because the lines between fun and self control are blurred to him. 
• He will do anything for his boy-toy as long as the boy gives him d**k on demand. 
• He wont mind playing taxi for his lover or constantly having to buy him airtime. 

You will find him: In all the sleazy gay spots at night or he has a very lewd profile on gay sites.

Activities: if he is not on pornsites wanking he is on mig33 or mixit chatting up 15yr olds; he likes making inappropriate jokes; drives a car he cant afford

Mr Ordinary 2

Unlike Mr O1 he is a victim of circumstance and societal constraints. 

• He is likely to be sweet, warm and loving towards his boy-toy. 
• He'll often offer an advice to his boy on how he should conduct himself in life. 
• He will show interest in his boy's life (school or work stuff)... hell he will even help him out with finances if he needs it not that he is buying his love but simply because he appreciates the boy for giving him something outside his marriage. 
• He loves his wife and hates the fact that he has to live a lie with her. 

You will find him: Jazz Festival or the theatre

Activities: watching Motswako and Generations, an avid reader

Role Model: He is the role model 

The Worn-out Queen

He doesn't necessarily have to be a feminine guy. As sad and absurd as it is, he is in his late 30s and has passed his sell-by date. In these circles once you reach 30 you better be rich or have some status otherwise you become invisible. Like Mr Ordinary 1, he is most likely obsessed with sex because he knows once he reaches 40 he might as well die. 

• He is bitter that when he was 20 he couldn't be like today's 20yr olds. 
• If he is top he uses The Kittens for sex and feels that conquering as many kittens as he can will keep him hip and happening. 
• If he is bottom he hates the kittens and refers to them as "skinny bitches" 
• He's likely to be out of shape which adds on to the bitterness because Muscle Mary won't give him a second glance if he were to pass him in a mall. 
• If by the grace of gawd he does get a boyfriend, he tends to be too possessive. The boyfriend better answer the phone when he calls on a Saturday or he will throw a fit. 
• If he is the type that looks after himself physically, he is probably too muscular and wears those tight muscle top that just makes look ridiculous because the clothes look age inappropriate on him. 
• He drives a convertible or a mini cooper 

You will find him: Online, any tavern or dingy spots where you can buy a boy 3 beers and take him home

Activities: Bitching about Kittens, pick up straight boys who sleep with gay men (for whatever reason)

... this is just ONE GUY'S OPINION!!

NB: All this is written in jest. I am very much aware that people are individuals and will act differently. I'm also aware that not all gay men conform to this stereotypes.