We Are Not Our Past

You meet this guy (or girl). He is charming, you get along well and most of all YOU LIKE HIM. Naturally the first thing you want to do is share this with your friends. Sadly your friends respond by saying “OMG, you dating him? You can't date him, he is a dog. He was dating A, and he's dated B. Everybody knows he is a bedhopper”.



In that moment everything that you thought about that person is immediately tainted by what your friends are saying. I am all for friends looking out for each other.

I appreciate it when my buddies try and warn me about the people that I invite into my life. However, when does 'looking out for a friend' become hypocrisy?

Let's take a back step for a second and indulge me if you will. At this moment as you read this how many people have you slept with in your entire life? For our more angelic friends, how many people have you had a “relationship” with?

Chances are if these were not just f**k and pass or one night stands you probably thought there would be more to that sexual liaison than just the actual physical act.

Personally I have been with people that I thought were going to be my soulmates and going to stick around for a while. As life always pans out it's own way, things did not work out and we broke up. After that I meet someone else.

Mind you, the intention getting into some of these “relationships” is to build something long term. If it so happens that I have met 20 people in a year that I thought were going to be in a committed relationship with me but doesn't work out, does that make me a dog/slut/hoe/bedhopper?


If we going to talk numbers when we label people as bedhoppers, which is acceptable? If Thabo dates 5 people in a month and Bruno just sleeps with 5 people within the same period, why is it that Bruno will be branded a bedhopper and Thabo isn't?

Now in the same context why is it that when we meet people our friends are quick to dismiss them based on their history. If Mike has been with half of Joburg before he meets you does that mean he should not be subjected to the prejudice of being perceived as a bedhopper for the rest of his life.

What if now that he has met you he wants to be monogamous? Dating someone and having sex with them within a week and breaking up SHOULD NOT be deemed more acceptable than meeting someone and sleeping with and moving on. Is sleeping around more acceptable if you tell these people that you DATING them?

Let's not kid ourselves here. We all have a history, some more scandalous than the others but hey who are we to judge? Girls moan all the times that men are dogs and gay men bitch all the time about gay men being promiscuous. I

f you dared to ask the question why they think these people deserve the labels they tag them with, quiet often the said party will pull out a list of the subject's past lovers.

In reality, we all have naughty tendencies within us. Some of us are more discreet about our sexual escapades than others. In this day and age wouldn't you rather be with someone who's been around and honest about his past than some pretentious someone who acts all angelic but has some sordid past that would put Jezebel to shame?

Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.


The other thing that bothers me with this scenario is that why can't your friends have faith enough in you to trust that that person maybe be genuinely in love with you and has given up his/her philandering ways for you.

I know people find it hard to change their bad habits but you know what... some do and we should always be susceptible to the idea that we will meet such people in our life. When we do, we should be able to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Lesson of the day: We are not our past. Let's try and lay off the labeling people thing. It's unfair and borders on hypocrisy.

Yes, we know things about certain people but we should try and not see those people as that which we perceive them to be but rather that that we hope them to be. I know it's an ambitious dream but I genuinely believe that we are all capable of being bad just as easily as we can be good.

What I did when I was 19 or actually just yesterday should not define who I am today.

If David was a cheater when you or someone you know dated him it doesn't mean he would be the same with his current lover.

Remember, a relationship is about 2 people and for you to judge it you need to know the facts about both parties before you can separate the victim from the perpetrator.


To my gay readers: "Be the change you want to see" If you think gay men are bedhopping-lying-fakers then YOU should stop bedhopping, lying and being fake.

Have An Awesome Weekend Everybody

2 comments:

koketso said...

wow..well said Phil. u are so motivating and helped me stop generalizing and spinning shit bwt others Coz of my own personal causation and insecurities

All the best with this blog.U must expose it to vulnerable personalities out there.

Anonymous said...

@ koketso I'm with you on that one. Spot on Phil I'm so tired of some pretentious gay fellows and they deliver a wrong message to the community that if you don't have flashy material things you are less of being gay. I also hope that our fellow brothers will stop celebrating other gay fellows downfalls. Ps Iggy

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