Labels Within Gay Relationship Just Another Form Of Self Hatred


I have never been one to do what's expected of me all the time. From a young age I have always done what I felt comfortable with. Even in school I was friends with people I was not expected to be friends with. In a nutshell I have always been my own person and conformity never appealed to me. 


As a grown man and with my sexuality at its peak I found that the world I live in is set in designated roles that one is expected to assume. These societal rules we are expected to adhere to are perceived to be what defines us and our roles in society thus enabling everybody to know their place. 

Boys play soccer, watch action movies, love sex more, etc and the girls are seen to be submissive beings who only do the opposite and have less physical interests than boys. *Of course not everybody falls into that but that's generally the norm.

The gay society is just the same but even more complex and ridiculous with these labels and expectations. See, when you are gay, bi or whatever you choose to label yourself as - there is one thing that defines you by society that you can not ignore – WHAT YOU DO IN BED. Your role in the bedroom will ultimate define your place in gayville. You are never just gay, you are either bottom,versatile,top, vers-top, twink, thug, out, closeted or whatever box you can fill yourself in.


Even with all that, there is still the issue of perceived expectations within these roles. Just because you are this, you should act like that

Then there are myths that only so called bottom boys love sex and will have it with anyone regardless of who they are. The top ones are seen to be the 'catch'. 

The bottom tag is worn with a veil of shame while the top tag is proudly displayed as something to boast about and marvel at. 

For, being top is perceived to mean your are more manly and less girly than the bottom ones. With that everybody is top until you get to the bedroom and they start screaming like little tinkerbells.

The so called top guys prance around advertising their topness to all and sundry. All the while hating the fact that - though they see themselves as better than the others, they are still seen as abominations. 

To compensate for such they bed as many so called bottoms as they can with the hope that boasting about their conquests later to their friends will bring them closer to being equated with their straight counterparts, thus asserting their manhood. 

That now begs the question; 

Why would a community that endures so much ridicule and prejudice by the labels that society tags them with want to perpetuate the same thing within itself? 

The answer, though more complex than this, is very simple. Deep down all gay men are ashamed of who they are. Blame it on the world or the time we live in but the undeniable fact is that shame is the bain of a gay man's existence. That is why he aspires to the traits that defines a straight man. Juxtapose that to the straight man and the sad reality is that he sees that gay man as an anomalous degenerate of his iconic stature in society.


Gay men struggle with contemporary ideas of masculinity, which themselves are shaped by our social values and our culture. 

More often than not, men who don’t fit the queenish stereotype remain hidden from view in the gay community. Thus aquiring names like After-9s and Downlows. 

However it's these men who most challenge the notion that being gay necessarily means being un-manly (feminine). People are born as individuals. That is no exception among gay men. 

There's no one size fits all. A bottom guy can be more masculine than a top guy. The fallacy in the notion that only noticeably gay guys are bottom is what fuels promiscuity among gays. 

The so called straight acting guys find themselves not getting what they need in relationships because they pretend to be something they are not then go out and get it elsewhere.

Let's be frank here, the macho aspiration that has become a catalyst for gay idolisation can never resist nor reproduce the straight male domination by virtue of it being contained within a sub culture. Gay masculinity is very subjective. 

The mere fact that a gay man has to use a term like Straight Acting or Straight Looking makes the absurdity of gay masculinity culture more evident as it proves that the utterer of the words still sees the idea of being perceived as straight more acceptable than gay thus denouncing gayness as a sub standard way of being. 

Yes, you can say that you are not as gay as the guy sitting next to you just because you don't “look gay” BUT to the straight person on the other side of the room you are both gay and he/she will judge you the same.

Sigmund Freud argued in his analysis of polymorphous perversity that; babies in their infancy experience and gain both heterosexual and homosexual attachments but have to loose one in order to form gender identity as they grow. 

The problem then ensues when the male infant becomes aware of gender roles. His attachment to another male and the loss there of is never acknowledged as society deems any emotional attachment between two males as taboo. 

This would then mean that even without society shunning a gay man for his homosexuality, the rule to never acknowledge any emotional inclination towards another man is entrenched in his psyche. 

Boys love their fathers just as much as they love their mothers but would never openly acknowledge their love for their fathers just as readily as they would shout it to the world just how much they love their mothers. Boys will always be Momma's Boys and not Daddy's Boy.

Non effeminate gay men will always have to tread on the fine line between definition and designation. This however has to change. One's manhood should not be defined by what he does in bed. 

As the black man finally enters the pinnacle of self realisation by shredding the cloak of always being seen as a sub-ordinate to a white man so too should a gay man. A gay man should live in the comfort of knowing that masculinity is not the measure of man. 

A man is a man by virtue of his character. Suppressing your desires and denying yourself the pleasure of life makes you no more of a man than coward. Connotating yourself to a heterosexual trait would not make you any less homosexual than the next gay man.


At the end of the day, whether you are Top, Bottom or Versatile, you are still Gay. You still bare the brunt of hate and shame that every gay man has to endure. Yours is a life shrouded by the needs for acceptance and unfortunately denying yourself your needs so that to pass yourself off as some parody of a heterosexual man is only hurting you. 

At the end of the day, no one cares whether you top or bottom. To them you are still a fag, moffie, stabane, schuzane, etc.  

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