'Gay By Choice' Give Cynthia A Break!

When Sex and The City star Cynthia Nixon defended her statement about being "gay by choice" I applauded her for standing her ground. I have a serious issue with conforming whether you heterosexual, homosexual or whatever rocks your boat. Sadly, yesterday it was reported that Ms Nixon has changed her tune after the backlash she got from gay activists and fans -- I guess gays do really rule the world.

The actress's life came into a dramatic turmoil when The New York Times Magazine quoted Nixon saying that for her, being gay was a conscious choice. Nixon has been in a relationship with a woman for eight years. Before that, she spent 15 years and had two children with a man.

This is what she had to say;
"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better'. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice," 
"I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out,"  
"I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”
She went on to say: 
"Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."
I do not wanna repeat the same thing over again but all my online friends know where I stand on labels as I have mentioned here. I actually thought kudos for her for being herself and being honest about her life.

Though I fully understand that homophobia has caused a lot of pain and sometimes death for a lot of gay people all over the world, I am totally against the notion that people should just be put in a box just to justify or validate the existence of something.

I am of the opinion that for gay people to expect everybody to sing the same tune in the name of LGBT rights is no different than straight people expecting everyone to be straight. 


Talk to any gay man and they will tell you that every gay man is an individual and they are all different but interestingly when it comes to the question of why some people engage in same sex relationships suddenly the very same people want to put all "gay" people in one box. 

It saddens me because some of the most judgemental experiences of my life have come from the so called gay people. I was baffled by such because one would assume that people who understand persecution on the basis of being different would be more tolerant but... NO. 

Get into any debate with a gay person about Bi-sexuality and the debate too often turn ugly because in some people's minds gay is gay and that's it. Problem? this is coming from people who want the world to accept that not everybody is the same. It's tough being Bi-Sexual because you bare the brand of judgement from both side of the spectrum. 

This notion (which I have heard being articulated one too many times) is ridiculous and somewhat hypocritical if it is coming from a gay person. Juxtapose that to a straight person saying that everybody is straight and suddenly people are crying hater!!

If Cynthia has chosen to explore a relationship with a woman just out of curiousity, so what? Who are you to define her sexuality for her? You do not want people to define your sexuality for you yet you want to define how gay other people are or should be. 

I always refuse to say I am gay because I do not want to be put in some person's box whether they are gay or straight. I am Phil. Right now I am dating guys, should I meet a woman and choose to spend the rest of my life her then that is my business.  Just as much as you identifying yourself as being gay is your business. 

If Thabo this week wants to explore a sexual experience with a guy, that is his choice. No gay or straight person has the divine right to label him or question his CHOICES. If Cynthia did not want to define herself by some societal script then let her be.

Once upon the time it used to be that guys could just be affectionate with each other without any sexual connotation. Friends can not even hold hands these days without the gay thing being flashed on their faces. Guys have even resorted to coming up with this HO HOMO thing just to simply justify natural behaviour. 

Growing up my some of my male relatives used to kiss us boys on the lips when they are happy to see us at family gatherings after a long time as they did with female relatives. Can you imagine them doing that now without someone murmuring that they might be gay?  

Reality is that not everybody, even those who engage in sex with people of their gender, is gay. Some times circumstance can contribute to a guy or girl being intimate with someone without it being a definitive act of their sexuality. Boys have had sex with gay men simply because it suited their needs at that time, whether it be financial or whatever. 

Girls have been engaging in sexual acts with other girls in porn movies for years now and no-one is calling them lesbians. Unfortunately because of societal stigmas, guys who have had homosexual experiences and are not gay never disclose that information but believe you me it happens.

Growing up boys will engage in what we would not label as gay acts when they play together. Hell, boys have been playing house with each other and taking on roles of "wives" to their friends simply because there were no girls in the play group. 

It is a pity that Cynthia Nixon has had to change her tune and succumb to the pressure of gay activists. Her views, in my opinion, exposed the hypocrisy that lies within the gay community that I think we needed to examine. 

The gay community needs to do a lot of introspection. As I have mentioned in this article here about sexual roles within gay relationships and their labels, we seriously need to clean house first in our lives before we stand on pedestals and call other people names because they are not accepting gay people. 

The attacks on Cynthia were uncalled for. She is entitled to her own views, freedom to live her life as she pleases and how she chooses to identify herself.

I date guys and Cynthia had my vote for not conforming to anyone's label. 


You don't have to define my gayness for me! I love that. It goes to every human-being -- gay or straight!

Cynthia "chose" to amend her initial statement this week by saying;
"My recent comments in The New York Times were about me and my personal story of being gay. 
"I believe we all have different ways we came to the gay community and we can't and shouldn't be pigeon-holed into one cultural narrative which can be uninclusive and disempowering," 
'"However, to the extent that anyone wishes to interpret my words in a strictly legal context I would like to clarify: While I don't often use the word, the technically precise term for my orientation is bisexual 
"I believe bisexuality is not a choice, it is a fact. What I have "chosen" is to be in a gay relationship."
Also read: Top OR Bottom
Also read: Who Said I'm Gay?

4 comments:

Huge Fan said...

I loooove u to bits and pieces. Keep doing your thing Phil.

Anonymous said...

take a bow,son!!

Phil Mphela said...

Lol, what for specifically?

Anonymous said...

For an articulate post that resonates with every sane mind.
I don't always agree with you but you always have a point.

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